Way too much information
by Chanra
Summary: Rated PG 13 for extreme nastiness. Legolas uncovers some very- disturbing facts in a book... once you read it, you'll be disturbed too... Chapter 2 up because you reviewed!
1. The nastiness begins!

AUTHOR'S NOTE: My friend's idea, not mine.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own no characters save Erin, Lindsay and Melanie who are in the wrong story.  
  
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"Oh sweet mother of Iluvatar," Legolas whispered, horrified.  
  
"What?" Gimli asked, wondering at the shocked look on the elf's face as he stared into the book, it was written in Elvish and he couldn't read what it was about. Judging by the pictures, Gimli was afraid it was to sooth the sea longing that was beginning to raise its ugly head.  
  
When the Elf looked up, his face was slightly green in color. "A blue whale's... thing..."  
  
"What thing...?" Gimli asked. He knew exactly what the elf was implying at, he just wanted to play dumb and see what he would do.  
  
Legolas indicated to the lower part of his body.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Well, a blue whale's 'thing' is six feet long," Legolas looked slightly shocked, sickened and a bit scared. "The... testes are the size of a small Volkswagen beetle, (a vehicle from Earth.) And a small hobbit can crawl through its arteries."  
  
"Why, may I ask, are you reading that anyways?"  
  
"I don't know, but it will be forever burned into my soul for as long as I live," the shaken elf whispered.  
  
"Hey Legolas, what are you reading?" Pippin asked. Gimli explained and the Hobbit's face resembled Legolas'.  
  
"Where in Minas Tirth did you get that?" Aragorn asked, as he walked briskly into the room, only catching the last fragments of their conversation.  
  
"I don't know, it was in the library on the table, open to the page," answered the elf. "It also says that Humans, Hobbits, Dolphins and bonobo monkeys are the only animals that have sex for pleasure."  
  
King Elessar's face went slightly pale.  
  
"A pig's orgasm lasts half an hour and a lion copulates at least fifty times a day, during mating season," the elf looked ready to vomit.  
  
"Legolas, I command you give me the book," Aragorn said, walking towards the slightly queasy elf. He didn't even move as the King threw the nasty, deranged book into the fire.  
  
"Another unnecessary evil destroyed," he said.  
  
Gimli walked over to the much shaken elf. "Did you know a blue whale's belly button is eight inches long?"  
  
The Elf ran to the nearest bathroom.  
  
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A/N: please don't ask how I know all this. There might be a sequel, if you want it, or better/worse, anther chapter... all you have to do is review... 


	2. Conclusion?

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well, it was my friend's Bat Mitzvah yesterday. I've never had so much fun in my life. They're all educated on the subject of 6 feet now.  When I told Hormheb (That's not her real name) that a SMALL child could crawl through it's arteries, she said "Akhenaten," thinking I said a WEIRD child.  Akhenaten said "yeah, I took the scenic route and took lots of pictures for you." 

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, they do. 

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            "Aragorn, it isn't burning," Legolas observed after coming back from the bathroom.  Indeed, the books edges weren't even singed.  The king took a pair of thongs- excuse me, _tongs _and removed the book from the fire. 

            Pippin looked warily at the book that was now on the table. "I wouldn't be surprised if this piece of shi-" Aragorn shot the hobbit a death glare, "literature, if you can call it that, came from the very vaults of Mordor," Pippin said, eyeing the book that was now lying on the desk.  

            "The only way you can destroy it is for the person who first discovered it to read it from back to front," Galdalf's cryptic voice came from the doorframe he was leaning against, he placed a sympathetic gaze on Legolas, "No elf has ever succeeded in that task. After attempting, they have either died from grief or sailed to the Undying lands to seek comfort for their tourtered souls." 

            "I will try," Legolas said bravely, sitting down in the chair and pulling the book closer to him.  "If I do not make it, please know that I am very glad for the time that I've known you. Wish me luck." And with shaking fingers, he began to read the _forward. _

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

            "Elf?" 

            Legolas raised tired, bloodshot eyes.  He had been sitting on his sore backside for the better part of three hours. He tensed when Gimli placed a comforting hand on his back. 

            "What chapter are you on?" 

            "The all too graphic steps of copulation," he replied brokenly.  

            "Do you want more coffee?" the dwarf asked, eyeing the cup that was nearly empty of the slighty bitter liquid.  Legolas nodded his head.  The elf let a sigh excape his lips when the dwarf left. He should have been read outloud. 

***One week, three days, four hours, fourty two minutes and sixty-nine seconds later*  **

            Aragorn ran to the study when a scream of ultimate suffering shook the walls of Osgiliath. When he opened the doors, his heart skipped several beats. The elf lay on the ground, the book reduced to ashes on the table.  He bent down next to the elf's head and placed a hand on his throat. Legolas' heart was beating fast like he had run a marathon and was determined to come in first. 

            "Legolas? Legolas, answer me!" he shook the elf desperatly. The blue eyes fluttered open. 

            "A-Aragorn? Oh Aragorn, it was _horrible,_" Legolas sobbed into the king's robes, "And the worse part is, it was but volume one in a trilogy." 

            **I can't think of any more nasty things, so unless you review and tell me anything else desturbing, it's gonna be the end. I'm waaaaiiiting!!!! **

**Ellbee ~ **And I suppose you're gonna be the one to teach him right? He's all yours!!

**Sophie-cat ~ **Yeah, _really needed to know that. Thanks!_

**Anaraiwe ~ **no, I'm not a perve, I just happen to have information that I would like to share. 

**LiquidDreamer ~ **You knew some of it yourself? Now you know more!

**La Vache ~ **Je nais pas comprende. 

**MoroTheWolfGod ~ **You actually want _more?!_

**Odeena Skywalker Almarien ~ **Yes, I suppose it _was sick. Glad you liked it!_

**Princess Flame ~ **Oh come on, it wasn't _that bad… was it? _


End file.
